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Sometimes It Takes A Death To Understand Life

"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord"
It's real easy to quote this verse in good times, but what about when you're going through a loss? Do you really believe it?

On Saturday April 28, 2012 my father died, and it hurts so bad.

He was 54 years old, he died in his sleep from heart disease, none of our family had any idea how sick he really was.
Terence E. ConstablebornMay 10, 1957passed away 
April 28, 2012


When friends and family first heard the news they would ask me how I felt and I would give them a standard response:
we weren't close.
I thought I knew how I felt and what it would be like at the funeral, but the moment I walked in to the funeral parlour this past Thursday night and saw the pictures of my father...... everything I felt went out the window.

My parents divorced when my brother and I were young and there were some hard things from the past that we had to deal with. It was because of those things that I harboured bitterness in my heart towards him for many years. For the longest time I just didn't think about him, I went on with my life as though I didn't have a father, and he went through some things of his own.

A few years ago he started to get his life together and he tried to reach out and mend the relationship, every time he would call I shut him down right away. I had so much bitterness and told myself he was getting what he deserved, after several attempts I started to ease up and give him a few minutes at a time.

Even though we didn't have a relationship, my grandfather (his father) has always been close and always been a part of my brother and my life. All the information my father got was from my grandfather, and he would stay up to date about my brother and me.

It's funny how you make judgments and think you know all about something when the truth is that there's always more than you think. At the funeral I found out that when my dad was nineteen years old he was a paramedic, he was in a bank when a guy went down. My father gave him CPR and brought him back, he was featured in the paper, I had no idea.

The hardest thing was seeing my two aunts, who were also always there for my brother and me, and my grandfather crying so hard, it broke my heart. It was nice though to meet family that I didn't even know, it was nice to hear more things about my father's life I didn't know. I meet a woman who has been my father's friend for the last twenty years and she told me how my father would speak with joy and pride about my brother and me.

The hardest thing for me and the thing that I'm struggling to shake is the fact that he died without me having a chance to patch things up and to get some closure. At his funeral I realized that I had been holding on to all this bitterness and it was so stupid, I really should and do know better. I made judgments about him but if it wasn't for the grace of God, I could be in the same situation.

I was a sinner, breaking God's law and living for myself but Jesus Christ loved me so much that he gave his life for me. He didn't hold onto any bitterness, he didn't shut me out, he gave himself so that I could be saved. Instead of holding onto bitterness and judging my father I should have remembered what Jesus Christ did for me and had shown the same forgiveness to him, unconditionally.

So now here I am, sad and broken and a little lost but my eyes have been opened. On this blog and the message that I'm trying to spread is about work, change and chasing your dreams. Whether it's a job or business or something in between, forty hours is too long to spend at a place that makes you miserable. After the death of my father I now realize how important and true this message is, life is too short.

We need work that is an extension of our life, not work that affects our life in a negative way, if you're miserable at work then it will affect other area's of your life. My eyes have been opened to the fact of how short life is and how we need to use whatever time the Lord give's us to make a difference, to contribute something to the world

.
Are you contributing something positive to this negative world with your work?


Are you contributing something positive to this negative world with your life?

If no, why not?

Even though I'm sad, I'm more determined then ever to spread a message and start a movement of people who aren't settling for good enough, but are pursuing the abundant life the Lord has for all of us. My prayers are that you join me on that movement.

I praise the Lord that I can remember a time when my father professed salvation, I know he's with our Lord right now. My grandfather has not professed salvation and shut's me down every time I start on the Gospel with him. He's
 86 and my heart breaks to think of him dying without coming to know the Lord.


So instead of asking you the typical questions at the end of the post, can I ask you for two things:

Will you please, please pray for my grandfather to accept Jesus Christ as his Saviour?

Is there one person close to you that you are desperate to see saved that you want prayer for?

 

 

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Comment by Kimanzi Constable on May 14, 2012 at 5:15pm

Thank you Gina, I really appreciate it :)

Comment by Gina Jones on May 13, 2012 at 4:18pm

My heart breaks with you thinking that this grandfather that has been more a dad to you than anything is someone that you may never see again once he passes from this world to the next.! I will pray for your grandfather and for you.  You really have a sad story regarding your dad and you are spot on in that life is too short and we are not promised tomorrow..The Bible tells us that loud and clear... We have all done this in our families as we all experience dysfunction in some degree or another...but going on days, weeks and years being estranged from a family member is selling yourself short of what God gave you.  You can pick your friends , but you cannot pick your family.  Try to learn and grow from what you have experienced in your life so far with your dad and grandfather and hopefully one day you can be the father that your dad was not to you,  but one you would have hoped for.  :-)  Gina Jones

Comment by Kimanzi Constable on May 11, 2012 at 5:15pm

Thanks Camden

Comment by Camden Ross on May 11, 2012 at 10:32am

I have no idea what this would be/feel like, but I am sorry to hear about your loss.

Comment by Kimanzi Constable on May 8, 2012 at 11:54am

I will pray for your father and sister, and I appreciate your prayers for my grandpa! Thank you so much for sharing your story, it brings me some comfort :)

Comment by Henry Matlock on May 8, 2012 at 11:51am

Thank you, Kathryn.  I have prayed for your father and sister as well.  God bless.

Comment by Kathryn Lehan on May 8, 2012 at 10:20am

Henry:  I said prayers for your brother too. Keep praying they will come! Amen.

Comment by Kathryn Lehan on May 8, 2012 at 10:15am

Hi Kimanzi, 

I pray for comfort for you and your family in this time of loss. I know it's hard and stirs up a lot of emotions you didn't know you had - both good and bad. 

I lost my mom last March and discovered most of my anguish came from needing to know for sure my mom was in Heaven with Jesus. I wanted Jesus to send me a confirmation or a receipt that my mom was with Him. I didn't get an email confirming her arrival in Heaven, but God sent three people who said the exact same thing - word for word - to let me to let me know she was indeed with Him! My mother was a Jehovah's Witness and they don't believe Jesus is the Son of God, so I worried. Only God knows for sure whether someone's heart is right (my mother was seeking God with all her heart but looking in the wrong place). There are many who don't seem to be redeemed who God has accepted as redeemed.

My prayers are for your grandfather's salvation. I'm praying for a softening of his heart to hear the Word, and that God will send the right person to lead him to salvation (that maybe you or someone else), that he will seek God with all his heart and cry out to Him. And I pray that God surrounds him with a great cloud of witnesses who will speak constantly over him until he comes to know our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen!

My father (84) and my sister (55) both need salvation too. Any and all prayers for them are greatly appreciated.  Thanks!

Comment by Kimanzi Constable on May 7, 2012 at 6:29pm

Thx Henry, Colleen and Jen. I really appreciate all your support and prayers, they're needed!

Comment by Henry Matlock on May 7, 2012 at 5:29pm

Kimanzi,

You have my sincerest condolences for your loss.  As you know, my mother passed away in March.  So I can relate to the loss you are experiencing.  After 2 months, I can share that the sadness does subside even though I still miss my mom very much.  I suspect I always will.

I have prayed for your grandfather to receive salvation.  And I also prayed for you: that you can forgive yourself for the things you either did or left undone as they relate to your father.  I am grateful for how you are transforming your loss into renewed focus on your mission. 

I ask for your prayers for my youngest brother, Brian, to accept Jesus as his Savior.  Thank you, Kimanzi, for sharing this part of your life.  And know that you have my continued prayers, brother.

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