Joy is Not the Absence of Conflict

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. ~ Jack Handey

by Pete Ferguson

Okay, so maybe the opening quote isn't quite related to the article, but it is really funny - and for a morning that is 5 degrees above zero on a day I chose to wear shorts to the gym, funny is good.

Over the weekend, my wife and I heard a discourse with the quote "Joy is not the absence of conflict." We know the couple who delivered the message well, and they are two of the happier people I know. I also know that they have dealt with a great amount of conflict.

Two people who have developed joyful characters will navigate through problems and be sustained by a daily sense of joy. ~ Valerie Layton

Along the lines of yesterday's blog on the "7th rep," it is true that for muscular gain, maturity, and mental and spiritual growth, the lessons usually come after the trail.

When a budding Monarch butterfly first emerges from its cocoon, it is not in its majestic form. Its body is swollen and its wings appear too small to fly. Through a slow and methodically flapping of its wings, blood is forced from the body into the wings and they begin to enlarge as the body shrinks.

Our friend suggested the following three things to overcome adversity and find the joy in life's challenges:

Rejoice - Whether large or small, celebrations allow us to focus on the positive and give ourselves credit for overcoming struggles.
Be honest. Allow emotions out of the dark recesses of your mind. Understand things as they really are - don't make assumptions, but take time to work through your own emotions and understand where others are coming from.
Be thankful. Grapple with problems with confidence, knowing that you will make it through the storm and focus on the blessing you have received already.

I'd add to the list: Don't make assumptions. Even if your assumption is right, it does you little good and if you are wrong, it makes you look foolish. I've wasted a lot of time on assumptions, so I speak as an authoritative figure on this topic.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ~ Malachy McCourt

I'm grateful for the conflicts I have in my life - but I'm not usually grateful for them during the storm. I'm working on this, because a life without challenges is a bit pointless, really. Leaning into the pain allows for more control, less resentment, and a quicker recovery.

What challenges are you grateful for today? Are you in the depths of the storm, or are you able to look back and find the lessons learned?

Refiner's Fire (learnactshare)
Eleven Reasons to be Positive (learnactshare)

Tags: adversity, conflict, ferguson, joy, learnactshare, pete

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Comment by Caroline Gavin on January 25, 2013 at 10:36am: Peter, thank you very much again! I am honored to see my comment in your blog post today, and I am energized by the light you share. I agree that Dan is an inspiration, and this community is rich with insight, coaching and encouragement!

Comment by Peter A Ferguson on January 25, 2013 at 8:18am: Thank you for the feedback. Caroline captured it well and I quoted one except in today's blog: "My most painful seasons have certainly paved the path to deeper joy."

Dan and others have taught me that if we aren't being criticized, we probably aren't doing anything worthwhile. The first sign that we are on to something is when our detractors all tell us we're crazy. Which is why I love 48 Days, nothing but encouragement and coaching!

Comment by Caroline Gavin on January 24, 2013 at 10:46am: Ann, thank you so very much!! I have witnessed how you express beautifully the essence of this post not only in your words but also in your life. Many blessings always, my dear friend...

Comment by Ann Musico on January 24, 2013 at 10:43am: Caroline - you expressed that beautifully and captured the essence of the post.

Comment by Caroline Gavin on January 24, 2013 at 10:35am: Peter, once again you share a powerful post! Thank you for writing from your heart, and I agree with you completely. My most painful seasons have certainly paved the path to deeper joy. God is faithful in transforming crosses to crowns; He shapes us more into the likeness of His Son through the refining fires of trial. When we trust that our all-loving, all-knowing and all-powerful Father permits only what is for our eternal best, we can accept all things with a grateful and joyful heart. Many thanks again for sharing your heart and inspiration!

Comment by Ann Musico on January 24, 2013 at 8:06am: Peter I am not only enjoying these posts but being blessed by them as well. This one in particular is a good reminder for me right now. I think most of us don't automatically remain in joy during the conflicts of life, but I'm convinced from past experience that when we remember to focus on the joy, the conflict doesn't last nearly as long as it could've - or perhaps it just seems shorter. Either way a very good thing.

Comment by Peter A Ferguson on January 23, 2013 at 9:34pm: Thanks for the feedback Dan. This week my posts are for some reason on this topic. I'm going through a transformation in my life that has been many years coming. It is great to have the tools you have taught to help me put my life, my work, and my passion into context.

Looking forward to great things in 2013 and to getting back to the Sanctuary for Innov48!

Comment by Dan Miller on January 23, 2013 at 8:43pm: Peter
Another poignant post. I have learned to expect value from the struggles even though I still cringe in the midst of them. But nearly without exception I then experience new insight and opportunity as a result of those dark times. A this point in my life I know the challenges are only temporary - I'm always confident there's a light up ahead.