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embracing the past,because the future wont let it go...learning to untangle

...and then i realized,these patterns were never meant for me. how many people have lived someone elses life,and never know it?...waking up feeling the toxic shame of a mindless existence,being blamed and dumped on...unaware that its had nothing to do with them at all!...but what could a naive,helpless child have done?...

i am aware that my original family system was steeped in total spiritual,mental and emotional darkness...and i guess,the hardest part about it...processing. wow. processing years,and thats 10 years of having been dumped on,shamed,and blamed for the families problems...not being allowed thoughts and choices,never being allowed to know the consequences of anything?...its no wonder things had been such a mess!

so now what?...do i live with it? do i continue fighting?...i know the laws of sowing and reaping...and then i become aware once again that not one of us were designed to live lone rangers lives...yet...sometimes we have to?

i am not beside myself...but i am untangling what happened...i know that i was not at fault for such family madness...i am also aware that these patterns were not designed to be broken...and yet,we are breaking the rules of madness.

i have carried within myself the family shame...i have carried within myself the families problems so that they wouldnt have to look at each other and face it...the very ones i trusted were the very ones that used me as the scapegoat...

i know as i write these things...i have wondered,how many people have felt as i do?...we know what shouldnt be,we know all about what the Bible says,we know what all the professionals say about live a great life...and then i wonder...if i share my thoughts,my struggles...how many people will read this and sigh a sense of comfort and relief knowing theres someone else out there...that feels just like me.

and i know that its not common culture to expose where it comes from...we seldom care to believe,those we loved and trusted could be capable of such wicked and evil things. i should know...i used to believe that my abuser was bigger and more powerful that God Himself...i believed that the God of the Bible was so very,very weak...

but now i learn to think...that was just a childs mind,naive and helpless,having idolized false patterns from those bigger than me...i just didnt know it then...but im learning it now...

so as i share these thoughts...no need to respond,you can if you like,im not opposed..im just sharing my thoughts,because im learning...well,i have to share them somewhere...

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Tags: untangling, yesterdays

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