Request for feedback

I have finally created and published my first blog post, and I'm looking for feedback. I have asked several friends and family members to comment, but I am getting nothing but positive feedback. I think they are too afraid to hurt my feelings. While good for the ego, I don't believe this is good for my writing, so I'd like to get some feedback from this wonderful community.

I attended WTTB a month ago, so all my fellow alumni from September will be familiar with my project, but I'll try to briefly summarize for everyone else. I have been all over the diet map in the past 10 years, and I have come to believe that much of the current advice does not match with what has proven to work throughout history. I'd like to prove (or disprove) my theories by subjecting myself to an experiment that includes eating a very high-fat diet during the months of November and December. I've already gotten myself tested for several health markers (cholesterol and other lipids, body fat percentage, and good old-fashioned weight), and we'll see how things change when I get tested again in two months. The content over the next two months will include the story of my journey, how I have come to believe as I do, analysis of current diets and advice, as well as following what I am eating, and how my weight fluctuates.

I have not yet finalized the theme, background, and other design elements, but I would be interested in feedback on the content of the first blog. My goal is to establish enough interest to encourage people to both comment and come back for more. Please honestly let me know what you think of the content, accompanying image (the maze), the title, the domain name, or whatever else you can think of (other than the header picture and layout). Thanks so much.

Here's the site: http://doesfatmakeyoufat.com/

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Doug Wahl on November 3, 2011 at 3:10pm

No- I am not saying move it to 3rd person. Keep it in the first- but you can do that without all the I's. By the way this was first brought to my attention about 10 years ago from my mother who read every single one of my columns. "It's always I this or I that."

Here is what I am talking about. You wrote.

About 10 years ago, just after my 30^th birthday, I was up to 250 pounds and climbing. I was safely in the obese range for my height, and was feeling very self-conscious. As mentioned in my previous post, I began cooking from a vegan cookbook, and started losing the weight that I couldn’t lose with exercise alone. Before long, I was under 210 and feeling great about myself. And then it all fell apart again.

How about this (note only one I)

About 10 years ago, just after my 30^th birthday, the bathroom scale reached 250 pounds and climbing. That's when the doctors put you in the obese catergory. Wanting to do something I bought a vegan cookbook, and started losing the weight that exercise alone wouldn't shed - 40 pounds in just a few months

And then it all fell apart again.

The last thing I always do before sharing my work with anyone else- is to read it out loud. That's the only way to really hear what it sounds like- that's how you develop your own voice. Read what you wrote- out loud and tell me if the I's don't weigh it down

Permalink Reply by Todd Hakanson on November 3, 2011 at 3:33pm

I appreciate the feedback, and I will continue to ponder it. I'm not disputing you, and I may come around, but I would really be interested in hearing other opinions about this, as I am still not convinced. Just for fun, here is an excerpt from On Writing Well by William Zinsser, which Dan recommends in his Write to the Bank e-book:

“Writers are obviously at their most natural when they write in the first person. Writing is an intimate transaction between two people, conducted on paper, and it will go well to the extent that it retains its humanity. Therefore I urge people to write in the first person: to use ‘I’ and ‘me’ and ‘we’ and ‘us.’ They put up a fight.
’But nobody cares about my opinions,’ they say. ‘It would make me feel conspicuous.’
’They’ll care if you tell them something interesting,’ I say, ‘and tell them in words that come naturally.’”