I would like some feedback, please

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Eric W. Uphouse on August 6, 2012 at 5:59pm

Jeff,

       I am by NO MEANS an expert, but I think it is pretty good overall. Changes I would make (strictly personal pref's) -

Fear abounds today in the job market for a number variety of reasons.  An e Emotional upheaval erupts wreaks havoc on the body each of us if fear is allowed to control our mind, body, and soul.  In Bravado! Greg shows how to alleviate this emotional disturbance, offers much needed encouragement, and provides hope to those who have been trampled and down-trodden.  He has lived in fear in the past and decided is committed to live there no more.  Within everyone each of us (or "each one of us") is the courage to challenge and conquer (our) fears.  Bravado! shows people how will lead you down the path to follow(ing) their your dreams.  Now is the time to learn how to conquer fear and live lead an extraordinary life.

I have been told, however, that my diction tends to be a little dramatic or "flowery"

Eric

Permalink Reply by Ryan Eidson on August 6, 2012 at 7:42pm

Excellent parallel structure in your third sentence. The book description overall is good, and Eric's suggestions will make it even better. Changing it to second person will have more impact than writing it in the third person.

Permalink Reply by Greg Sparks on August 7, 2012 at 7:55am

Thanks Eric for the edits, they benefit the overall structure of the book description.  Thanks Ryan for the idea of second person, I will do that.  Thanks Randell for the last sentence, be afraid, but do it now.  I like that.

I appreciate your help on this.  I am going to get it together for CreateSpace in a book format.

Greg

 

Permalink Reply by Kim Hall on August 14, 2012 at 5:51am

I really like Eric's edits, and I would add two more. 

I would change the first sentence to: While jobs are not plentiful in today's market, fear is. 

I would change the last sentence to: Now is the time; it is doable and within your reach to conquer fear and lead an extraordinary life!

From one who was previously frozen with fear, with that deer in the headlights look, clinging to a claustrophobic, no future to it receptionist's job, who is now a writer/helper/encourager set free by Joel Boggess' coaching.

Good luck with your book!

Permalink Reply by Greg Sparks on August 14, 2012 at 8:43am

Thanks Kim.  I appreciate your input.

Greg